Wednesday, December 3, 2008

The Adventures of Tiddy Ferguson

I have a paper cut on my buttcheek. Two free shoe bags (handmade by Tiddy on my very own sewing machine) to the first person who guesses how it got there. Send your submissions to Include your address so I know where to send the shoe bags in case you get the right answer! I will publish the best ones (anonymously, of course).

So as it turns out, the paper cut is not the worst thing that happened to me this week. It all started when Mister Ferguson and I travelled down to Wilmington, NC for the holiday. Mom and Pop Ferguson moved down there last May. I have a huge family and we had a really good time. Dinner was great and I went shopping at 4:30 am on Black Friday for doorbusters with my Mom, Aunts, cousin and Sister-in-Law (Sandy Bottoms). I waited 45 minutes in line to buy Guitar Hero for Mister Ferguson (50 bucks--steal) and another half hour for two sets of flannel sheets. I also scored a 30 dollar cashmere hoodie at Old Navy (the new J Crew). People really get feisty over doorbusters. Especially big TVs. I almost lost my life in the electronics department of Wal*Mart. All I wanted were some cheap Wii games!

Saturday night, we all went out for karaoke night at a REALLY redneck bar. I still smell like smoke. Sandy Bottoms and I did a show stopping rendition of "There's Your Trouble" by the Dixie Chix and I had a solo performance of "Born to Fly" by Sara Evans. There was A LOT of Stoli involved. You know how you sing in your car and think you sound just like the artist? I had this awesome vision of me getting up there and really bringing down the house. What really happened sounded a lot like a screeching cat trying to claw its way out of a cage.

Due to the Stoli, I woke up with a bigtime headache and general malaise. I went outside on the porch to get some fresh air and encountered Poppa Ferguson sitting in a rocking chair smoking a cigar. It was 10 am. If that wasn't surreal enough, he proceeded to tell me that my 78 year old grandmother's new husband has requested that the whole family abstain from alcohol this Christmas or they would not be attending this year. This was not what I wanted to hear. I was outraged. This man just came into the family six months ago and all of the sudden he's the Godfather? What's up with these outrageous demands? This issue has not been decided yet, and I will let you guys know what happens. I have a feeling my brother and I will have to revert to our old high school tricks. We are professionals at drinking on the sly and will probably teach our parents a thing or two.

All I wanted to do was nap the day away, but we had a plane to catch! I crammed all of my doorbuster merchandise into two suitcases and went to the airport. Our flight was delayed. We saddled up to the airport bar to watch the Steeler game and imbibe in some desperately needed hair of the dog. We finally boarded the plane and I started to feel human again. That's when the pilot comes on the loudspeaker and informs us that out flight had been cancelled. OMG.

Long story short, we waited in line for more than 3 hours so some douche could tell us that we couldn't get home until Tuesday. That's when Mister Ferguson got assertive and told the guy exactly how we were going to get home (HOT)!

Our journey home was harrowing. You hear horror stories about air travel all of the time. You might say, "Wow! That sucks!" or "I just can't imagine!" No, you can't.

The first few hours, you try to have a good attitude. You see everyone losing it around you and you vow to not be like them. You smile at the clueless airline agent and even laugh a little at your misfortune. However, after you are flagged for "extra security"--a.k.a. your dirty underwear is being manhandled by some man with rubber gloves--and you are berated by unruly passengers for barely making your plane due to said extra security, you start to crack a little.

It was at this point the Fergusons had a little meltdown. Almost the kind that people get arrested for. First, there was a showdown with a flight attendant who wanted Mister Ferguson to check his bag due to the fact there was no room left in the overhead compartments. Impossible! We had to devote the entire day Monday to trying to fly standby out of Charlotte. If we checked bags, we wouldn't be allowed! She must have seen the desperation in our eyes, because she finally relented. They started shifting bags to make room. The "special treatment" we received enraged several passengers, and they voiced their opinions. Tiddy lost it at this point and started to tough talk those who dared talk shit. They had nothing to say back. I think it was because I had started to feel, act and smell like an animal. I probably had crazy eyes.

We finally made it home many, many, many hours later. Pure exhaustion. I could barely lift my fingers to order Chinese food that evening. I was just starting to get back to normal when I got that damn papercut on my buttcheek.

Christmas is just around the corner. We are driving this time.


Friday, November 21, 2008

In response...

In response to this comment left on my last blog:

Dear Tiddy, I need some advice and I thought that you would be the perfect person to ask! I am going to my boyfriend's grandparents house for Christmas Eve to meet them and the whole family for the first time. Obviously, I wouldn't want to show up empty-handed. Any suggestions on what to bring besides the typical bottle of wine? Thanks Tiddy!

Tiddy can sympathize! I've been there! Fortunately, I have the perfect solution. Visit You can pick up a gift set that includes a clear teapot and 6 tea bags that bloom into a beautiful flower right before your eyes! The host can make the tea while you are there and it will definitely be a conversation piece. Not a lot of people know about blooming teas. The package is very attractive and will seal your girlfriend status with the family immediately!

Hope this helps!


Wednesday, November 19, 2008

The Gift Horse

I walked into Wal*Mart today and was greeted by an enormous Christmas tree. Is it just me, or does the retail industry continue to push the season earlier every year? LET ME GET THROUGH THANKSGIVING FIRST!

That being said, Tiddy likes to get an early jumpstart on her Christmas shopping. I have a huge family and I like to plan ahead. It beats giving Granny yet another gift set from Bath and Body Works. She is outspoken and has simply told me she will not tolerate another one.

I have spent the past few years searching for the perfect gifts that appear thoughtful and are things that the recipient might actually enjoy. How many times have you picked up a Christmas edition of a magazine that advertises "50 best gifts under 50 dollars" and found nothing worthwhile on the list? Most of the time, I can't believe someone actually got paid to compile such nonsense.

As my early Christmas gift to you, Tiddy is going to give you a list of gifts that are not only dope, but also affordable. With a little planning ahead, you can relax this holiday season and maybe even buy a little something for yourself!


I have given everything on this list at least once. You may be reading this and realize you have received one of the items from Tiddy and/or Mister Ferguson in the past. If you are on my gift list this year, you will probably receive one of these items. If you see something you like, let me know. I would also appreciate any other badass gift ideas from my readers (


1. Address Stampers from Fine Stationery

I swear, I have ordered 20 of these. They have a million designs to choose from, ranging from classy to collegiate (no WVU). It takes about two weeks to receive them and they only cost $40. I personally have one and use it on every piece of mail that goes out of my house. To check them out, click here

2. Luxury Plush Throw from Restoration Hardware

This is no ordinary blanket. I bought it on a whim last year and couldn't be happier. Mister Ferguson and I fight over it every night. Every person who visits our house ends up buying one. I just sent one to Dicky for his birthday. SURPRISE DICKY! My friend Clark said "it was like when they put the lead blanket over you when you get X-Rays at the dentist, but not in a bad way." It's warm, it's comforting and best of all, you can throw it in the washer and dryer and it comes out looking the same. To check it out, click here

3. Personalized Gingerbread House by Williams-Sonoma

This is best for a boss with a family or a co-worker...someone like that. It really makes an impression. Last year, I was sending one from LL Bean, but they really jacked the price up this time around. Luckily, I was able to find an alternative at Williams-Sonoma. To check it out, click here

4. Chanel Exceptionnel Mascara

This is a good one for the ladies. It's a small package that packs a big punch. This is probably the best mascara on the planet. If you have a friend that you want to buy a little something for, this is a gift they will truly enjoy. My friend just bought me one for my birthday and I am blown away daily by the way it makes my lashes look. To check it out, go to any Chanel counter or click here

5. Personalized Beverage Tub from Lillian Vernon

If you know ahead of time you are going to be invited to a holiday party, order this big drink tub with the host's last name engraved on it. When you are ready to go to the party, fill it up with ice and beer/booze and take it with you. Drink all the booze and leave behind a lovely tub that can be enjoyed for parties to come. If you're in a time pinch and crafty, you can buy a steel tub at the craft store and make your own with paint markers. If not, you can check it out here

6. Ice Luge kit

This is a huge tray that makes a pretty decent ice luge. It also comes with a stand. If you went to WVU, you know that ice luges were a staple at pretty much every frat party and really liven things up. Now you can have one whenever you want! To check it out, click here

7. Shot Glass Ice Tray

Picture this...You're entertaining at home, and everyone wants a shot (happens all of the time). Rather than serve spirits from your tired, mismatched collection, you amaze everyone and serve Orange Stoli out of shot glasses made completely from ice! These are amazing and always a conversation piece. I always have them in the freezer just in case. To check them out, click here

8. Random WVU items

a. Underwear (click here)

b. Mountaineer Mr. Potato Head (click here)

c. Coonskin Hat (click here)

d. WVU Garden Gnome (click here)

That's all I've got! Hope it helps! Love, Tiddy F.


Monday, November 3, 2008

Motown Memories

Oh, Morgantown. How I love that place. In fact, I love it so much I am only able to make the pilgrimage no more than twice a year. I only live an hour away so distance is not the issue. It's that once I cross the West Virginia line, I immediately become 21 again. That's not necessarily a bad thing. Tiddy has to let her hair down once in a while. However, when I do make it to Morgantown, I try to cram my entire junior year into one night. And I had a pretty eventful junior year, so that IS a bad thing.

Case in point, Mister Ferguson and I went to catch the WVU/Auburn game last Thursday night. We arrived in time to tailgate for about an hour. I met up with my old boss (who is awesome, by the way) and he led us to a kick-ass setup with motor homes, pig roasts, jungle juice and a full bar! Pretty much as rock star as you can get for Mountaineer Field. However, as I sipped my Tiddy Ferguson and surveyed the crowd, I found myself longing for the PIT. How I wished I was back there...drinking Natty Light, peeing in the creek next to complete strangers, doing beer bongs and skipping the game entirely. This blows my mind: When I was a student, I had access to free tickets and went to four games in four years. Now, I have to pay out the ass to go to a game and we are in our seats before kickoff. What a difference ten years makes.

We're not totally old. We were able to smuggle ten airplane bottles of random booze (thanks to ROHM '08) into the game. They were assorted, so you had to take what you could get. Coconut rum went into hot chocolate...Captain Morgan went into Coke...Jack was taken straight to the head. Needless to say, we were able to keep the party going as we watched WVU destroy Auburn. Mountaineer Field would be so much cooler if they served beer.

After the game, Mister Ferguson and I made an executive decision to spend the night in Morgantown and drive home at 6 am in the morning. Better in theory, trust me. We hit the town hoping for a big night of the Back Door, Chick-N-Bones, Bent Willey's (aka Sullivan's) followed by a nightcap of Casa pizza.

I'm just going to be honest here. Morgantown has changed and not for the better. The shitty bars we came to know and love have been replaced with slick martini joints and swanky lounges. Gone are the days where one would embark on a weekend journey with 20 bucks, get drunk both nights and have ten dollars left on Sunday. I'm not sure where these kids get all of their cash, but I can assure you, Tiddy would have a hard time surviving in new Morgantown. Dead serious, I would go to the bar and order a "White Zin" and really thought I was a classy broad. I had no idea what a martini was back then. Unfortunately, I do now.

BRING BACK SIMPLE TIMES MORGANTOWN! The college girls look like they are 30. I honestly didn't feel that out of place. Maybe it's all the pressure to be a baller in new Morgantown, but it really shows. I didn't see one fresh-faced individual in the crowd.

Long story short, we got our slice of pizza at the end of the night and it tasted just like it always did. That, coupled with the fact I scored two free drinks at Bent Willey's gave me just enough of an incentive to make the trip next year.

The drive home the next day was brutal, but we made it in one piece. I wasn't hungover despite the fact that ROHM '08 and Mrs. Rohm '08 like their shots. I hate anything involving Red Bull. I will be so happy when that goes out of style.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Smell Memories

Hello readers. We have a lot to talk about since I completely took the last week off. I don't have any excuse other than the fact that I felt uninspired and had nothing to write about. It happens sometimes. Stick with me.

So tonight I found a bottle of Febreze in the closet and decided to spritz some on a sweater that I took out of storage. As soon as the spray came out of the bottle, I realized I have not used the product in a long time. The smell conjured up memories of me in college, spraying a pair of jeans that I wore to a frat party the night before and attempting to make them smell "April Fresh" for my creative writing class. So disgusting. I'm pretty sure everyone I knew in Morgantown did the same thing. We all thought it was a miracle invention. Who needed to do laundry when you can just Febreze the cigarettes, beer, cologne from a random and who knows what else away?

I threw the bottle in the garbage tonight. When used appropriately, I'm sure Febreze is an excellent product. However, smell memories can never be erased. I have the same issue with "Tranquil Breezes" lotion from Victoria's Secret. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about.

This weekend we went to Seven Springs and hung out, drank a little (a lot) and had an excellent crab cake feast. The downfall of the evening? Firefly Vodka. Most of my readers may not be familiar with Firefly because it is only sold in the South. When we were in Hilton Head, Lacey Underalls, DJ WOW and I bought a whole case. I might live to regret that purchase.

Firefly Vodka tastes exactly like sweet tea. Therefore, you have no idea how much you are drinking until you stand up to go to the bathroom and you don't know where you are. Firefly took down some of the most seasoned veterans in my whole crew. It doesn't mess around. That being said, I love it. Tiddy's family lives in the South and I have already ordered up another case. If you happen to stumble upon a bottle, I think it is best mixed with club soda.

I have received some hate mail over my lack of communication this week. Again, I'm sorry. We'll get though this. Why don't any of you mofos communicate when things are good?

Monday, October 6, 2008


Five to ten bottles of Blueberry Stoli later, Mister Ferguson and I are officially back in the burgh. What an amazing week. I have never been on a beach vacation in October, but I must say I am a fan! The weather is still great and there are no lines anywhere you go!

Where do I begin? I last spoke to all of you on Tuesday, right before things started heating up. Lacy Underalls and Mike Oxbig arrived in town on Wednesday along with the Wick and we all had a great time at the Tiki Bar. The boys spent hours playing beach volleyball, and one of the players sustained a major injury (we're talking crutches). I'm not going to name names, but it didn't seem to impede his ability to pick up some trim at the wedding!

The most amusing event of the week occurred the day of the wedding. Lacy, myself and Connie Lingus (wife of Hugh Gass) decided that morning that we were going to go thirds on two bottles of Veuve Cliquot and make hair appointments at a salon within walking distance. We purchased the champagne and found a place called Hair & Co., which is located in Coligny Plaza. Connie wanted a blowout, Lacy wanted a sophisticated bun and Tiddy was channeling Jackie Kennedy, so I wanted a half-up with height on the top and flipped out at the ends. Please understand that I was wearing a kelly green dress and this was THE ONLY way to go.

So we walked into the hair salon with a beach bag full of booze. It was a cute little place, but all of the chairs were taken and there was nowhere for us to go. The three of us decided to sit outside and told the ladies to let us know when they were ready for us. Lacey was called in first. A mere ten minutes later, Tiddy was called in. I sat in the chair and began to explain what I envisioned as my look for the evening. I was barely finished with the phrase "just flip it out at the ends" when I saw my dear friend Lacy wildly running her hands through her hair like the Fonz, shrieking "I want it shelacked! There is no room for a teasing comb when I say SHELACKED!!!" As the minutes wore on, Lacy became more and more agitated and I began giving her the stink eye from across the room. I called out to Connie to bust out the Veuve and slowly things began to gel. Turns out, the stylist was also from Jersey and knew just how to handle Lacy. She began the bun with a quiet confidence and before long, the two were talking about Jersey and cats like they had known each other for years!

The experience we had at Hair & Co. could only be described as Steel Magnolias. The three of us had so much fun talking with Donna, Jerry and the ladies we popped the second bottle and stayed long after our hair was finished! We were all overjoyed with our wedding looks and I know Lacy felt properly shelacked. I sincerely hope our new friends will read!

Onto the wedding! After an 80 mph trolley ride (with windows open), our hair was in danger of ruin. Luckily, the ladies at Hair & Co. have some serious hairspray and we didn't suffer! The ceremony and reception were beautiful! There was a mashed potato bar, which is Tiddy's absolute favorite. I also loved the group that Mister Ferguson and I sat with at dinner--the Oxbigs, Hugh Gass and Connie Lingus, the Wick and the 1-6.

All of my degenerate friends really cleaned up nice. Everyone looked great and danced like they were just let out of cages. The PIKES did the Gator which is always fun to watch! I was having so much fun that I was sad when it was time to pack it back in the trolley and head for home, but fortunately there was an after party at our house!!! This is where the evening went downhill....

Earlier in the day, Lacy, Connie and I were lounging at the pool with Anita Mandalay and T.G. when we realized that the boys had only purchased beer for the after party and decided we needed to make our own provisions. The five of us rolled out to the Piggly Wiggly (yes, that is what they call the food store) and purchased TEN bottles of champagne. We proceeded to put them in a large plastic bin on ice and hide them in my closet. Needless to say, we spent most of the party sitting in my closet like a bunch of shrews, hoarding the champagne bin. And it was an absolute blast!

I don't remember falling asleep that night, but I woke up with the sunrise. And since Tiddy is a morning person no matter what, I went down to the Piggly Wiggly with my friend Bill (who I found snuggled up under a beach towel) and we bought ice cold Gatorades for the entire house. I have never seen so much joy on faces in my entire life, as the entire household had been drained of anything ingestible the night before.
As far as I know, everyone is back at home safe and sound. It will definitely take the Fergusons another week to recover from this vacation and the 11 hour drive we had yesterday. But it was worth it!
Congratulations to the happy couple!


Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Beach Bum

I'm on my third day of vacation and I am happy to report that I have worn a two piece every day. Thanks for voting--a whopping 100% of you opted for the bikini! I could never go against the opinions of the readers of Initially I was a little embarrassed parading around basically nude, but I've gotten over it. Let's face it--tan fat looks better than pale fat. So as the days go on, I get better looking!

After the last time we visited Hilton Head, Mister Ferguson and I vowed we would never return. He likes waves in the ocean and this beach has little to offer in that department. However, I think that anywhere is a great time when you are with your friends. The house we are staying in is gorgeous and I spent the entire day floating in our pool on a raft reading a Jodi Picoult novel and listening to NWA on my iPod. HEAVEN!

The bride and groom have had little time to spare as they have been running around getting a marriage license and making last-minute preparations for the big day. It reminds me of my own beach wedding two years ago. I was frantic the whole time while all of my friends were living it up on vacation all week. ASSHOLES! It's so nice to go to a beach wedding that isn't your own!

The rest of the week is packed with many activities including a golf outing, beach party and BOOZE CRUISE! I haven't been on one of those since Cancun '97. That one was NOT a pleasant experience! The seas were rough that day and there were a lot of sick passengers (including Tiddy). I'm looking forward to a more mellow experience this time around!

I will update tomorrow. Love, Tiddy F.

PS...I think I overdosed on Spicy Doritos today


Thursday, September 25, 2008

One piece or two?

So tomorrow Tiddy is packing her bags YET AGAIN. I swear Mister Ferguson and I live out of suitcases. We are leaving for a week-long vacation to Hilton Head, which will culminate with the nuptials of DJ WOW and Tara Nassup. Although I am really looking forward to the trip, I am a little stressed. Since Labor Day, I am all over letting myself go--just a little! My weekends can pretty much be summed up like this: college football Saturdays filled with booze and meatballs, Sunday Steeler tailgates with day-long beer pong games and wings. The Fall season is my favorite time of year because I can wear jeans and puffy vests! Stylish and functional, the puffy vest hides at least two of the seven deadly sins--sloth and gluttony.

This late season beach vacation has thrown a wrench in my plans. WHO HAS TO GET INTO A BATHING SUIT IN OCTOBER? Don't get me wrong, I haven't become a couch potato since September 1st. I am still working out like a bastard. However, my diet has not been as stringent as it was during the summer months. I think you all know where I am going with this.

Here's my dilemma. I am going to see a lot of people at this wedding that I haven't seen since 2000. I'm not heinous, but I am not the same girl who routinely wore a yard of fabric covering her entire body on any given night out in Morgantown. Let's be honest with each other. I'm 30 years old. I'm not exactly comfortable with showing everyone what's going on under the hood. I think it's better to create a little mystery. As a result, I tried on some tankinis and low-cut one piece bathing suits this evening. I was modeling in the full-length mirror and feeling pretty good about the one-piece when Mister Ferguson came into the bedroom and told me I needed to "grow a set" and put on a bikini. What will end up happening? I will be at the pool party with a bikini and a cover-up that doesn't come off! I am going to post a poll. Please vote on whether Tiddy should rock a one piece or NOT next week.

Have any of you tried the new banana-chocolate drink at Starbucks? I had one today and it was great! Although it is a little heavy on the calorie side (245), it is worth it. It has a scoop of whey protein (20 grams) and also an assload of vitamins! You can get a shot of espresso mixed in which gives you a little kick in the ass. If you are someone who drinks a protein shake after your workout, the Starbucks version has about the same nutritional content, but tastes a hell of a lot better. Check it out!

We shove off tomorrow for the Carolinas, but I am taking my computer and promise I will not be a stranger!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

I'm back, bitches! I know it has been quite some time since my last entry, but Tiddy has been extremely busy lately. That's not a good excuse. I guess I just didn't have anything to say. Now I do!

Today was such a good day. First of all, I drove through McDonalds for lunch. I never carry cash, so I whipped out my credit card to pay for my snack wrap at the first window. Imagine my surprise when the cashier told me that the credit card machines were down and my meal was FREE! All $1.75 of it! It would have been a lot cooler if I would have also gotten a Diet Coke or something a little more expensive, but it was thrilling nonetheless. As I drove away, I couldn't help but wonder how many other McDonalds customers were getting free meals and how much money it would cost the company. I know a couple of cheeseburgers is a drop in the bucket to a big company like that, but I still felt bad for some reason.

Tomorrow I am getting a manicure. Since it is now Fall, it is time to move away from Essie Limo-Scene and go to the dark side. Here's my dilemma. Usually I go with "Lincoln Park After Dark," which is a dark eggplant color. However, last Christmas my dear friend Nervsa Steel gave me a navy nail polish which is really edgy for me, but also the hot color of the season. I'm ready to go for it, but I need your opinions. Is navy nail polish stylish or goth? Please vote for your choice on the sidebar poll!

I'm going to Philadelphia this weekend! Mister Ferguson and I are going to stay with the Oxbig family and we are going to the Eagles/Steeler game. I am excited but also a little nervous. I hear Eagles fans are tough!

I'm exhausted and it shows. More than one person told me I "looked tired" today. YUCK! What a horrible thing to say! I'm going to bed to get rid of these dark circles! I promise I won't stay away from so long again. PEACE.


Monday, September 8, 2008

TGIM (thank God it’s Monday). I don’t think I have ever said that in my life!

The weekend was as action-packed as I told you it would be in Friday’s entry. However, I ran out of gas yesterday morning and had to skip the Steeler game. There is only so much abuse the human body can take. Here are some highlights:

We went to a beautiful wedding in a barn on Friday night. The band was great and the chardonnay was flowing. My hairdresser Dicky was in attendance and he gave a lovely speech. One thing he said about the groom really stuck with me. I am paraphrasing, but it was something like “Roger would rather have a new experience than a new possession.” Classy and poignant…that’s my Dicky in a nutshell! If you have to give a speech in the near future, that is a line to plagiarize for sure!

Saturday morning was cruel. A 5:00 am wakeup for the early flight to Philadelphia. We carpooled with the world famous DJ WOW and his fiancée Tara Nassup (not a morning person). By 9:15 am I was in the urban palace of the Oxbig family, vodka and cranberry in hand. We went to brunch (mimosas) then to an Irish bar (Blueberry Stoli and club). I want everyone to know that I have kindled my romance with Blueberry Stoli. Needless to say, by the time we drove to Delaware for the wedding at 4 pm I was three sheets to the wind!

I am Tiddy Ferguson, so I rallied! Wedding #2 of the weekend was something else! There was actually a man in the corner rolling cigars for everyone. By the end of the night, DJ WOW was playing the cowbell and drums and Mister Ferguson had commandeered the bongos. We saw a lot of people from WVU and the bride and groom looked amazing! Unfortunately, they had planned for an outdoor ceremony and Hurricane Hannah reared her ugly head. But it all worked out and everyone had a great time!

We arrived back at our hotel around 1:30 am and took a mere disco nap before we were en route to the airport once again for a 7:15 am flight. To say I was dragging ass at this point would be a gross understatement. I ate a slice of pizza and spent a miserable 40 minutes on the plane trying to contort my body into a position for sleep. It didn’t help matters that Mister Ferguson kept trying to lay his 50 pound head on my shoulder. I almost cried when we touched down in Pittsburgh. I was wearing a Steeler jersey, but informed everyone that I had HAD IT!

I went home to take a nap, but my phone was blowing up with people wanting my shitty football picks. I finally put the phone on silent and proceeded to fall into such a deep sleep it was almost painful to wake up. When I finally woke up, I called my friends at the Osaka Restaurant and ordered broccoli chicken—the dinner portion.

I woke up this morning five pounds heavier than I was on Friday morning. I am hoping I am just full of shit and it is not legitimate fat. I worked out like a bastard today and it felt like punishment for all of the fun I had this weekend!

Friday, September 5, 2008

Liquid Diet

It’s the weekend! And while Tiddy always enjoys a good party, I would be lying if I said I’m not scared shitless for what is going to transpire over the next 48 hours. We have a jam-packed schedule and I am freaking out just looking at it. Here’s the lineup:

Tonight: Wedding at 7 pm in Pittsburgh
Tomorrow: 7 am flight to Philadelphia. We meet up with Lacy Underalls and Mike Oxbig in their home city for some college football action. At 3 pm we will drive to Wilmington, DE for yet ANOTHER wedding.
Sunday: 7 am flight to Pittsburgh. We will arrive in town clad in our Steeler jerseys and proceed straight to Heinz field for a 9 am tailgate. We will watch the game at one and then meet up at McFadden’s for the four o’clock games. We probably won’t get home until 8 pm.

OH MY LIVER! What should I drink this weekend? I can’t do vodka the whole time! This is what I was thinking:

Tonight: White wine/champagne (no more than 3 glasses)
Tomorrow: Bloody Mary or Mimosa in the am, beer afternoon, red wine at wedding
Sunday: Bloody Mary or Mimosa on the plane, beer all day

Does this sound like a solid plan? I am second guessing myself. If anyone has suggestions, PLEASE email them to I don't want a hangover!

I know you want football picks for this weekend, but take it from the girl who took the moneyline on the Redskins last night—my picks suck this year!!!

I will try to blog from the road, but if you don’t hear from me until Sunday, please keep me in your prayers. I am going to need it this weekend!

Monday, September 1, 2008

Happy Birthday Mister Ferguson!

Back to school, back to school. To prove to Dad that I’m not a fool. I’ve got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don’t get in a fight! --Adam Sandler, Billy Madison
Well kids, summer is over and school is back in session. It makes me want to run out and get a new Trapper Keeper! Unfortunately for Tiddy (and probably most of you), my life will not be any different tomorrow. I will still go to work as I did all summer! I would be remiss, however, if I didn’t tell you how much I long to be back in high school. First day back…fresh from cheerleading camp…scoping out all of the hottie football players…wondering who would ask me to homecoming that year! Just thinking about it makes me a little sad, but I don’t dwell on the past. I know somewhere, in an American high school, there is a budding young Tiddy Ferguson clad in a white oxford Polo and short jean shorts. And she is shaking her ass all the way down the hall to chemistry class.

While I am being nostalgic, I have to tell you that Mister Ferguson turned 30 years old today! It seems like just yesterday I met him at a keg party at Mountaineer Court in Morgantown. Picture this: It was 1999. The first home football game of the season. We tailgated all day in the Pit. DJ WOW got a keg after the game and we all went to his apartment to keep the party going. I had gotten a huge rip in my GAP cargo jeans (IT WAS 1999) and my ass was hanging out. At this point in the day, I didn’t care. I had been drinking since 7:30 that morning. I got in line for a beer and when I was finished I turned around to hand the tap to the person behind me. What I saw was a total piece of ass! I said, “Who are you? You’re hot!”

He told me his name was Mister Ferguson. Not only were his eyelashes a mile long, he was a charming fellow! Needless to say, I was completely strung out on this boy for the rest of the school year. Nine years later, we are married and parenting a 16 pound yorkie named Nacho. Isn’t it funny how you find love when you least expect it?

One more thing before I go. I found a VERY valuable resource this weekend. If you are at a restaurant and want to know the nutritional content of what you are about to eat, text the restaurant and menu item to DIET 1. You will get a response with calorie count, carbs, protein, etc. immediately! It really works! You heard it here first.

Friday, August 29, 2008

armpits and vodka

What's up party people? It's the last weekend of the summer. This, coupled with the fact that I am having a FAT DAY has Tiddy feeling a little bummed out. It is not my fault that I discovered the BLT at Brugger's Bagels this week!

So remember the cardigans I was bragging about on Wednesday? I wore one today and you won't believe what happened! I was driving in my car and felt a draft under my left armpit. There was a gigantic hole in my brand new sweater! The entire seam was ripped about three inches. I took a whiff of my armpit. Was it possible that my body odor was so rancid that it burned a hole in the fabric? Or was I a victim of faulty stitching?

Of course it was the latter. Tiddy smells like an angel.

In other news, I bought a bottle of Stoli Blueberry at the liquor store yesterday thinking it would be the perfect spirit to mix with club soda. I was severely disappointed. I wanted a delicious blueberry cocktail and got unflavored vodka flavor instead. Blueberry Stoli doesn't have nearly the flavor that orange Stoli has. Those of you who attended WVU know what I'm talking about! Stick with the old standby. Orange Stoli never disappoints.

Mister Ferguson is turning dirty thirty this weekend! In preparation, I made an assload of pepperoni rolls and we are headed up to the lake for the next three days. I will not be blogging until Monday evening so I want to remind everyone to tune into the GOSSIP GIRL season premier on Monday night. If you are not currently a Gossip Girl watcher, please consider becoming one. Although it is about high school kids, it is seriously one of the most entertaining and scandalous shows on television!

I'm sure you will all be boozing this weekend, so I will leave you with a list of things that are impossible to say when you are drunk:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
2. Nope, no more booze for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. I'm not interested in fighting you.
6. Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
7. I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
8. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
9. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

Have a great weekend and make it one to remember. West Virginia plays tomorrow! Go Mountaineers!


Monday, August 25, 2008

awwww nuts!

Over the years, I have learned that there are four little words that you can say that will make you a hero in the eyes of 99.9% of the population. They are: HAVE YOU LOST WEIGHT?

I love to hear these words. They are music to my ears. Extra credit if someone says: YOU ARE WASTING AWAY! EAT A SANDWICH! Trust me, the last time I heard this phrase I was wearing a Hypercolor t-shirt and doing the humpty dance. But a girl can dream!

While I am on the subject of weight loss (which is something that never leaves my conscience), I want to talk about almonds. Lately, I have read several articles extolling the virtues of the nut. In fact, researchers found that people eating a diet rich in almonds lost more weight than those on a high-carb diet with the same number of calories.

Armed with this knowledge, I recently purchased a vat of almonds at Target. I try to grab a handful in the morning and I also put a ziplock baggie full of the nuts in my car to combat those weak moments when I pass Taco Bell and have an uncontrollable urge for a chicken taco. However, it's just not cutting it. I'm sure almonds are a perfectly good diet solution for most people, but there's something you don't know about Tiddy.

I have an aversion to nuts. Not the nuts hidden between the legs of a gentleman, but the ones that grow on trees. It wasn't always this way. I used eat nuts like a squirrel--pistachios, walnuts, cashews...I didn't discriminate. However, that all changed with one trip to the Dairy Queen when I was in my early 20s. This is what went down:

A casual acquaintance asked me on a date for some ice cream. I initially said no. He was unbelievably annoying--not to mention heinous. However, he was persistent and wore me down. I remember it like it was yesterday. I ordered a Butterfinger Blizzard and he chose THE PEANUT BUSTER PARFAIT.

As I took the first bite of my dairy treat, he began to speak. Not only could I smell peanuts from across the table, chunks of the nut were flying into my face with every word he uttered. SO GROSS! I'm not sure I will ever get over it. I am not saying I am above stopping at DQ once in a while, but I can assure you I think twice about going to a baseball game!

Needless to say, I haven't gone near a nut since that fateful day. That's why it is so hard for me to embrace the almond diet. However, now that I know it might help me to shake a few lbs, I am going to try to choke down a few every now and then. I'll let you know how it goes!


Thursday, August 21, 2008

miso hungry

OMG is the only way i can describe what happened to tiddy last night. although it might gross you out, i will tell you the whole sleazy story.

it all started at dinner. i was entertaining clients and the gin and tonics were flowing. i glanced at the menu and was dismayed that there were no spaghettios or chicken fingers listed--classy joint. as a result, i had no option but to get the crab cakes. they arrived, i had two bites and thought they were "mayonnaisey" so i laid off. unfortunately, it was too late.

you see, all of tiddy's homies know that she suffers from debilitating irritable bowel syndrome. admitting this might be embarrassing to some people, but there ain't no shame in my game. over the years, i have learned what to eat and what to avoid, but every once in a while i get too big for my britches and think i can eat anything. when this happens, i pay the piper.

back to last night. about ten minutes after taking the second bite of crab cake, i felt that old familiar feeling in my stomach that only means one thing--get to the bathroom IMMEDIATELY! i smiled at my guests, excused myself and tried to make a graceful exit. once i got out of eyesight, i hauled ass to the bathroom and tried to give it hell. unfortunately, nothing happened. i wanted to write that old poem on the bathroom door that i see so often:

here i sit all broken hearted
tried to shit and only farted
dismayed, i returned to my seat and battled excruciating waves of stomach pain through dessert and coffee. after the check was paid and i got into my car, the real fun began. no sooner than two minutes after i pulled out of the parking lot, the shit i so desperately wanted to take in the restaurant reared its ugly head.

i broke out into a cold sweat. words cannot express how close i was to shitting my pants. i am NOT exaggerating. i happened to be on the phone with my friend steve at the time. bless his heart, he was trying to get a read on where i was and was throwing out suggestions as to where i could make the deposit. when he said "home depot" i nearly cried because i couldn't fathom walking through the parking lot and searching the huge building for the promised land.

when i began lamaze breathing and basically going into labor, i hung up on steve. right as i reached in the back seat of my car for an olive garden bag that i was going to pull over and take a dump in, i saw a wendy's. a glorious wendy's that saved my life--and probably the interior of my car. i'm not going to go into details here. if you saw dumb and dumber, it went something like that.

those of you who do not suffer from ibs are probably disgusted, but you don't know how bad things can get. sadly, this is not the worst episode tiddy has endured. before i knew i was allergic to miso soup, i got violently ill every time i ate japanese food. i was explaining that to mike oxsbig today and he said he gets sick when he has miso soup also! so let this be a warning to the readers of time you go for sushi, avoid the soup if you aren't going straight home after dinner. however, if you want to drop a few pounds for a special occasion, it might not be such a bad idea!

thank God this story had a happy ending. speaking of endings, it is almost the weekend ALREADY! promise i will blog tomorrow--i was too traumatized after i left wendy's to deal with internetting and i really wanted to tell this story properly.


Sunday, August 17, 2008

stoli and advil

sunday evenings are usually a little difficult for tiddy because i know in the back of my mind i will have to return to work tomorrow and all of the fun i had over the weekend is a distant memory. that is why i have made it a policy to enjoy every day of the summer as though it were a saturday. otherwise, you find yourself living for the weekends and wishing away five perfectly good days in between.

i just poured myself a glass of merlot out of the "bota box." the liquor store was out of "pinot evil" so i had to improvise and i just refuse to drink wine out of a bottle anymore. i am sitting on the porch overlooking the lake and watching my very hungover brother-in-law try to navigate his way through grilling a hamburger. although i have been there myself many, many times, i find it difficult to feel any remorse for him since he somehow managed to drink my ENTIRE HANDLE of stoli vodka last night. when i went to sleep around midnight, the bottle was three quarters full. when I woke up, there was about one and a half shots left. although i find myself marveling at the sheer mechanics of him being able to pull off such a feat, i am also left with an empty bottle of stoli. and that just breaks my heart.

judging from his wobbly gait and slow movements, it is obvious that this hangover has my brother-in-law by the short and curlies. if i were feeling generous of spirit toward him right now, i would recommend he take four advil… BRAND NECESSARY. i know that there are some people who believe generic ibuprofen does the job, but not tiddy. that is one of the only things i am a stickler about. in fact, in the wake of our dwindling economy, i have recommended to mister ferguson several times that we start buying the generic brands of some of our favorite products. toilet paper, detergent, mustard, pasta…even nacho’s dog bones! but not advil and not fabric softener. i have and always will use snuggle blue sparkle scent.

back to the hangover. over the years, i have heard several different methods from friends who swear up and down they have THE ANSWER to alleviating the headache, nausea and general malaise that usually accompanies an evening of drinking A HANDLE OF STOLI. my friend dj WOW likes to down an entire bottle of orange pedialyte, something he insists must be brand necessary. apparently, the drug store brand just doesn’t do the job. rohm ’08 claims that a "detox tea" and a vitamin water energy flavor does the trick for him. my brother likes to pour something called "goody’s headache powder" into a fountain soda and drink it. i’ve tried that one and it actually isn’t that bad!

for tiddy, four advil and a REGULAR coke—not diet—and i am on the road to recovery. i would love to hear all of your hangover cures—for personal use and to also share with my readers. email them to and i will devote another blog to this very important subject, as the hangover is something we will never fully understand.
thanks to my new friends eaton beaver and anita mandalay for sharing their beer and great music with us this weekend!

have a great week! please don’t feel sorry for my brother-in-law. everyone knows not to drink all of tiddy’s stoli, and he has learned his lesson. and remember, tomorrow is not monday, it is another glorious summer day for you to enjoy—so get out there and make the most of it. there aren’t too many left until we break out our cords and sweaters!


Thursday, August 14, 2008

no time to hate

Now the Star-bellied Sneetches had bellies with stars. The Plain-bellied Sneetches had none upon thars. The stars weren't so big; they were really quite small. You would think such a thing wouldn't matter at all. But because they had stars, all the Star-bellied Sneetches would brag, "We're the best kind of Sneetch on the beaches." --the sneetches by dr. seuss

not only is "the sneetches" one of my favorite books of all time, i think it is appropriate for what i am going to write about today. very rarely is tiddy serious, but something happened yesterday that really caused me to reflect and i would like to share it with you.

here at the ferguson household, we receive visits from mormon missionaries from time to time. yesterday, i was blogging on my couch and chilling with mr. nacho when i saw two young men walk up my sidewalk. nacho started going nuts! i was SO annoyed and ready to shoo the guys away (as usual) when something made me stop and listen to what they had to say.

i don't know a ton about the mormon religion, but what i do know is that the young men must take TWO YEARS out of their lives, travel around the country, and basically knock on doors and spread the word about the church of latter day saints. can you imagine that? it really makes me wonder how many doors are slammed in their faces, how many people cuss them out and how they can continue to get out of bed every day and keep on going.

not to get on a religious rant, but aside from really feeling empathy for these guys, i learned something yesterday. tiddy was raised presbyterian. mister ferguson is catholic. we've never had more than a one minute conversation about that because we know we share the same basic belief, no matter what name you call it.

anyway, back to the mormons. after patiently listening to what they had to say, i asked "what is the goal of your visit? is it to preach the word of God, or convert me to the mormon religion?" they said that it was to get me to read the book of mormon. i thought that was interesting and asked them why they felt what THEY believed was better than what i was raised to believe? who is right and who is wrong? is there an answer to that question? if i turned the tables on them and started preaching about the presbyterian religion, would they be open minded? they said no. so why would they expect me to be?

my point is this. no matter what church you belong to, no matter if you have a star on your tiny belly or an enormous gut with nothing on it, we're all just people trying to make it out here in this crazy world. and if i hadn't taken the time to talk with those guys yesterday, i would have screamed at them to get off of my porch and walked back inside thinking i was the best kind of sneetch. but i'm not. i'm just a girl that lives in pittsburgh who loves to laugh and drink and think that somewhere out there, somebody will read this and take something away from it.

Monday, August 11, 2008

taking care of tiddy

have you ever heard of the expression, “rode hard and put away wet?” that is what tiddy saw when she looked in the mirror this morning. all of the late nights filled with wine and song have finally caught up with me. as i looked into my bloodshot eyes, i made a promise to myself: this week will be devoted to taking care of tiddy.

and so it began with a 6 am wakeup, followed by a bowl of lucky charms and a cup of coffee (you have to crawl before you walk). mister ferguson and i have a grueling workout planned for this evening. P90X plyometrics! if you don’t know, you better ask somebody! i am also taking vitamins, drinking lots of water and have a spray tan and pedicure planned for later in the week. come friday, there will be a whole new sheriff in town!

i would like to apologize to my readers for not posting yesterday. tiddy ferguson is only human. i got drunk on saturday night and decided I needed a little “hair of the dog” to get me through the day yesterday. unfortunately, hair of the dog turned into a full blown rager and I had to go to bed early last night.

the weekend was a blast! mr. ferguson and i visited our new condo at seven springs and spent some time with rohm ’08, his brother and the adorable renzi family. thanks for the two buck chuck! i love it!

Thursday, August 7, 2008

tiddy in the city

tiddy woke up today with a song in her heart! i felt alive, in love and full of energy. unfortunately, that didn't last long. the song ended around the time i got into my car to leave for work, so i decided to drive through starbucks to keep the party going. i ordered a MEDIUM coffee (i refuse to speak their stupid language and say venti--this is america), drove up to the window and paid. right after i got my change back, i drove away without the coffee. i didn't realize this occurred until i was almost out of the parking lot. wwtfd (what would tiddy ferguson do), you ask? i drove straight to a-plus and got a big ass coffee. sometimes, i just don't know where my head is.

but tonight, tonight, tonight! i am so excited because i am going out on the town with my long time buddy dj WOW and his beautiful fiance tara nassup. now, i'm not saying tiddy ferguson doesn't have it going on. i don't think anyone can deny my VIP status at dream nails, little tokyo (best sushi in town) or the mt lebanon saloon. but when it comes to hanging out with pittsburgh glitterati such as dj WOW and miss nassup, hitting the city is a treat. i never pay a cover and once i got a coors light for FREE!

i just got an update from mister ferguson and he will be back from london on saturday afternoon! hopefully he brought me some tea and scrumpets!