Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Beach Bum

I'm on my third day of vacation and I am happy to report that I have worn a two piece every day. Thanks for voting--a whopping 100% of you opted for the bikini! I could never go against the opinions of the readers of tiddy.com. Initially I was a little embarrassed parading around basically nude, but I've gotten over it. Let's face it--tan fat looks better than pale fat. So as the days go on, I get better looking!

After the last time we visited Hilton Head, Mister Ferguson and I vowed we would never return. He likes waves in the ocean and this beach has little to offer in that department. However, I think that anywhere is a great time when you are with your friends. The house we are staying in is gorgeous and I spent the entire day floating in our pool on a raft reading a Jodi Picoult novel and listening to NWA on my iPod. HEAVEN!

The bride and groom have had little time to spare as they have been running around getting a marriage license and making last-minute preparations for the big day. It reminds me of my own beach wedding two years ago. I was frantic the whole time while all of my friends were living it up on vacation all week. ASSHOLES! It's so nice to go to a beach wedding that isn't your own!

The rest of the week is packed with many activities including a golf outing, beach party and BOOZE CRUISE! I haven't been on one of those since Cancun '97. That one was NOT a pleasant experience! The seas were rough that day and there were a lot of sick passengers (including Tiddy). I'm looking forward to a more mellow experience this time around!

I will update tomorrow. Love, Tiddy F.

PS...I think I overdosed on Spicy Doritos today


Thursday, September 25, 2008

One piece or two?

So tomorrow Tiddy is packing her bags YET AGAIN. I swear Mister Ferguson and I live out of suitcases. We are leaving for a week-long vacation to Hilton Head, which will culminate with the nuptials of DJ WOW and Tara Nassup. Although I am really looking forward to the trip, I am a little stressed. Since Labor Day, I am all over letting myself go--just a little! My weekends can pretty much be summed up like this: college football Saturdays filled with booze and meatballs, Sunday Steeler tailgates with day-long beer pong games and wings. The Fall season is my favorite time of year because I can wear jeans and puffy vests! Stylish and functional, the puffy vest hides at least two of the seven deadly sins--sloth and gluttony.

This late season beach vacation has thrown a wrench in my plans. WHO HAS TO GET INTO A BATHING SUIT IN OCTOBER? Don't get me wrong, I haven't become a couch potato since September 1st. I am still working out like a bastard. However, my diet has not been as stringent as it was during the summer months. I think you all know where I am going with this.

Here's my dilemma. I am going to see a lot of people at this wedding that I haven't seen since 2000. I'm not heinous, but I am not the same girl who routinely wore a yard of fabric covering her entire body on any given night out in Morgantown. Let's be honest with each other. I'm 30 years old. I'm not exactly comfortable with showing everyone what's going on under the hood. I think it's better to create a little mystery. As a result, I tried on some tankinis and low-cut one piece bathing suits this evening. I was modeling in the full-length mirror and feeling pretty good about the one-piece when Mister Ferguson came into the bedroom and told me I needed to "grow a set" and put on a bikini. What will end up happening? I will be at the pool party with a bikini and a cover-up that doesn't come off! I am going to post a poll. Please vote on whether Tiddy should rock a one piece or NOT next week.

Have any of you tried the new banana-chocolate drink at Starbucks? I had one today and it was great! Although it is a little heavy on the calorie side (245), it is worth it. It has a scoop of whey protein (20 grams) and also an assload of vitamins! You can get a shot of espresso mixed in which gives you a little kick in the ass. If you are someone who drinks a protein shake after your workout, the Starbucks version has about the same nutritional content, but tastes a hell of a lot better. Check it out!

We shove off tomorrow for the Carolinas, but I am taking my computer and promise I will not be a stranger!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

I'm back, bitches! I know it has been quite some time since my last entry, but Tiddy has been extremely busy lately. That's not a good excuse. I guess I just didn't have anything to say. Now I do!

Today was such a good day. First of all, I drove through McDonalds for lunch. I never carry cash, so I whipped out my credit card to pay for my snack wrap at the first window. Imagine my surprise when the cashier told me that the credit card machines were down and my meal was FREE! All $1.75 of it! It would have been a lot cooler if I would have also gotten a Diet Coke or something a little more expensive, but it was thrilling nonetheless. As I drove away, I couldn't help but wonder how many other McDonalds customers were getting free meals and how much money it would cost the company. I know a couple of cheeseburgers is a drop in the bucket to a big company like that, but I still felt bad for some reason.

Tomorrow I am getting a manicure. Since it is now Fall, it is time to move away from Essie Limo-Scene and go to the dark side. Here's my dilemma. Usually I go with "Lincoln Park After Dark," which is a dark eggplant color. However, last Christmas my dear friend Nervsa Steel gave me a navy nail polish which is really edgy for me, but also the hot color of the season. I'm ready to go for it, but I need your opinions. Is navy nail polish stylish or goth? Please vote for your choice on the sidebar poll!

I'm going to Philadelphia this weekend! Mister Ferguson and I are going to stay with the Oxbig family and we are going to the Eagles/Steeler game. I am excited but also a little nervous. I hear Eagles fans are tough!

I'm exhausted and it shows. More than one person told me I "looked tired" today. YUCK! What a horrible thing to say! I'm going to bed to get rid of these dark circles! I promise I won't stay away from tiddy.com so long again. PEACE.


Monday, September 8, 2008

TGIM (thank God it’s Monday). I don’t think I have ever said that in my life!

The weekend was as action-packed as I told you it would be in Friday’s entry. However, I ran out of gas yesterday morning and had to skip the Steeler game. There is only so much abuse the human body can take. Here are some highlights:

We went to a beautiful wedding in a barn on Friday night. The band was great and the chardonnay was flowing. My hairdresser Dicky was in attendance and he gave a lovely speech. One thing he said about the groom really stuck with me. I am paraphrasing, but it was something like “Roger would rather have a new experience than a new possession.” Classy and poignant…that’s my Dicky in a nutshell! If you have to give a speech in the near future, that is a line to plagiarize for sure!

Saturday morning was cruel. A 5:00 am wakeup for the early flight to Philadelphia. We carpooled with the world famous DJ WOW and his fiancée Tara Nassup (not a morning person). By 9:15 am I was in the urban palace of the Oxbig family, vodka and cranberry in hand. We went to brunch (mimosas) then to an Irish bar (Blueberry Stoli and club). I want everyone to know that I have kindled my romance with Blueberry Stoli. Needless to say, by the time we drove to Delaware for the wedding at 4 pm I was three sheets to the wind!

I am Tiddy Ferguson, so I rallied! Wedding #2 of the weekend was something else! There was actually a man in the corner rolling cigars for everyone. By the end of the night, DJ WOW was playing the cowbell and drums and Mister Ferguson had commandeered the bongos. We saw a lot of people from WVU and the bride and groom looked amazing! Unfortunately, they had planned for an outdoor ceremony and Hurricane Hannah reared her ugly head. But it all worked out and everyone had a great time!

We arrived back at our hotel around 1:30 am and took a mere disco nap before we were en route to the airport once again for a 7:15 am flight. To say I was dragging ass at this point would be a gross understatement. I ate a slice of pizza and spent a miserable 40 minutes on the plane trying to contort my body into a position for sleep. It didn’t help matters that Mister Ferguson kept trying to lay his 50 pound head on my shoulder. I almost cried when we touched down in Pittsburgh. I was wearing a Steeler jersey, but informed everyone that I had HAD IT!

I went home to take a nap, but my phone was blowing up with people wanting my shitty football picks. I finally put the phone on silent and proceeded to fall into such a deep sleep it was almost painful to wake up. When I finally woke up, I called my friends at the Osaka Restaurant and ordered broccoli chicken—the dinner portion.

I woke up this morning five pounds heavier than I was on Friday morning. I am hoping I am just full of shit and it is not legitimate fat. I worked out like a bastard today and it felt like punishment for all of the fun I had this weekend!

Friday, September 5, 2008

Liquid Diet

It’s the weekend! And while Tiddy always enjoys a good party, I would be lying if I said I’m not scared shitless for what is going to transpire over the next 48 hours. We have a jam-packed schedule and I am freaking out just looking at it. Here’s the lineup:

Tonight: Wedding at 7 pm in Pittsburgh
Tomorrow: 7 am flight to Philadelphia. We meet up with Lacy Underalls and Mike Oxbig in their home city for some college football action. At 3 pm we will drive to Wilmington, DE for yet ANOTHER wedding.
Sunday: 7 am flight to Pittsburgh. We will arrive in town clad in our Steeler jerseys and proceed straight to Heinz field for a 9 am tailgate. We will watch the game at one and then meet up at McFadden’s for the four o’clock games. We probably won’t get home until 8 pm.

OH MY LIVER! What should I drink this weekend? I can’t do vodka the whole time! This is what I was thinking:

Tonight: White wine/champagne (no more than 3 glasses)
Tomorrow: Bloody Mary or Mimosa in the am, beer afternoon, red wine at wedding
Sunday: Bloody Mary or Mimosa on the plane, beer all day

Does this sound like a solid plan? I am second guessing myself. If anyone has suggestions, PLEASE email them to tiddyferguson@gmail.com. I don't want a hangover!

I know you want football picks for this weekend, but take it from the girl who took the moneyline on the Redskins last night—my picks suck this year!!!

I will try to blog from the road, but if you don’t hear from me until Sunday, please keep me in your prayers. I am going to need it this weekend!

Monday, September 1, 2008

Happy Birthday Mister Ferguson!

Back to school, back to school. To prove to Dad that I’m not a fool. I’ve got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don’t get in a fight! --Adam Sandler, Billy Madison
Well kids, summer is over and school is back in session. It makes me want to run out and get a new Trapper Keeper! Unfortunately for Tiddy (and probably most of you), my life will not be any different tomorrow. I will still go to work as I did all summer! I would be remiss, however, if I didn’t tell you how much I long to be back in high school. First day back…fresh from cheerleading camp…scoping out all of the hottie football players…wondering who would ask me to homecoming that year! Just thinking about it makes me a little sad, but I don’t dwell on the past. I know somewhere, in an American high school, there is a budding young Tiddy Ferguson clad in a white oxford Polo and short jean shorts. And she is shaking her ass all the way down the hall to chemistry class.

While I am being nostalgic, I have to tell you that Mister Ferguson turned 30 years old today! It seems like just yesterday I met him at a keg party at Mountaineer Court in Morgantown. Picture this: It was 1999. The first home football game of the season. We tailgated all day in the Pit. DJ WOW got a keg after the game and we all went to his apartment to keep the party going. I had gotten a huge rip in my GAP cargo jeans (IT WAS 1999) and my ass was hanging out. At this point in the day, I didn’t care. I had been drinking since 7:30 that morning. I got in line for a beer and when I was finished I turned around to hand the tap to the person behind me. What I saw was a total piece of ass! I said, “Who are you? You’re hot!”

He told me his name was Mister Ferguson. Not only were his eyelashes a mile long, he was a charming fellow! Needless to say, I was completely strung out on this boy for the rest of the school year. Nine years later, we are married and parenting a 16 pound yorkie named Nacho. Isn’t it funny how you find love when you least expect it?

One more thing before I go. I found a VERY valuable resource this weekend. If you are at a restaurant and want to know the nutritional content of what you are about to eat, text the restaurant and menu item to DIET 1. You will get a response with calorie count, carbs, protein, etc. immediately! It really works! You heard it here first.