Friday, August 29, 2008

armpits and vodka

What's up party people? It's the last weekend of the summer. This, coupled with the fact that I am having a FAT DAY has Tiddy feeling a little bummed out. It is not my fault that I discovered the BLT at Brugger's Bagels this week!

So remember the cardigans I was bragging about on Wednesday? I wore one today and you won't believe what happened! I was driving in my car and felt a draft under my left armpit. There was a gigantic hole in my brand new sweater! The entire seam was ripped about three inches. I took a whiff of my armpit. Was it possible that my body odor was so rancid that it burned a hole in the fabric? Or was I a victim of faulty stitching?

Of course it was the latter. Tiddy smells like an angel.

In other news, I bought a bottle of Stoli Blueberry at the liquor store yesterday thinking it would be the perfect spirit to mix with club soda. I was severely disappointed. I wanted a delicious blueberry cocktail and got unflavored vodka flavor instead. Blueberry Stoli doesn't have nearly the flavor that orange Stoli has. Those of you who attended WVU know what I'm talking about! Stick with the old standby. Orange Stoli never disappoints.

Mister Ferguson is turning dirty thirty this weekend! In preparation, I made an assload of pepperoni rolls and we are headed up to the lake for the next three days. I will not be blogging until Monday evening so I want to remind everyone to tune into the GOSSIP GIRL season premier on Monday night. If you are not currently a Gossip Girl watcher, please consider becoming one. Although it is about high school kids, it is seriously one of the most entertaining and scandalous shows on television!

I'm sure you will all be boozing this weekend, so I will leave you with a list of things that are impossible to say when you are drunk:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
2. Nope, no more booze for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. I'm not interested in fighting you.
6. Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
7. I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
8. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
9. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

Have a great weekend and make it one to remember. West Virginia plays tomorrow! Go Mountaineers!


Monday, August 25, 2008

awwww nuts!

Over the years, I have learned that there are four little words that you can say that will make you a hero in the eyes of 99.9% of the population. They are: HAVE YOU LOST WEIGHT?

I love to hear these words. They are music to my ears. Extra credit if someone says: YOU ARE WASTING AWAY! EAT A SANDWICH! Trust me, the last time I heard this phrase I was wearing a Hypercolor t-shirt and doing the humpty dance. But a girl can dream!

While I am on the subject of weight loss (which is something that never leaves my conscience), I want to talk about almonds. Lately, I have read several articles extolling the virtues of the nut. In fact, researchers found that people eating a diet rich in almonds lost more weight than those on a high-carb diet with the same number of calories.

Armed with this knowledge, I recently purchased a vat of almonds at Target. I try to grab a handful in the morning and I also put a ziplock baggie full of the nuts in my car to combat those weak moments when I pass Taco Bell and have an uncontrollable urge for a chicken taco. However, it's just not cutting it. I'm sure almonds are a perfectly good diet solution for most people, but there's something you don't know about Tiddy.

I have an aversion to nuts. Not the nuts hidden between the legs of a gentleman, but the ones that grow on trees. It wasn't always this way. I used eat nuts like a squirrel--pistachios, walnuts, cashews...I didn't discriminate. However, that all changed with one trip to the Dairy Queen when I was in my early 20s. This is what went down:

A casual acquaintance asked me on a date for some ice cream. I initially said no. He was unbelievably annoying--not to mention heinous. However, he was persistent and wore me down. I remember it like it was yesterday. I ordered a Butterfinger Blizzard and he chose THE PEANUT BUSTER PARFAIT.

As I took the first bite of my dairy treat, he began to speak. Not only could I smell peanuts from across the table, chunks of the nut were flying into my face with every word he uttered. SO GROSS! I'm not sure I will ever get over it. I am not saying I am above stopping at DQ once in a while, but I can assure you I think twice about going to a baseball game!

Needless to say, I haven't gone near a nut since that fateful day. That's why it is so hard for me to embrace the almond diet. However, now that I know it might help me to shake a few lbs, I am going to try to choke down a few every now and then. I'll let you know how it goes!


Thursday, August 21, 2008

miso hungry

OMG is the only way i can describe what happened to tiddy last night. although it might gross you out, i will tell you the whole sleazy story.

it all started at dinner. i was entertaining clients and the gin and tonics were flowing. i glanced at the menu and was dismayed that there were no spaghettios or chicken fingers listed--classy joint. as a result, i had no option but to get the crab cakes. they arrived, i had two bites and thought they were "mayonnaisey" so i laid off. unfortunately, it was too late.

you see, all of tiddy's homies know that she suffers from debilitating irritable bowel syndrome. admitting this might be embarrassing to some people, but there ain't no shame in my game. over the years, i have learned what to eat and what to avoid, but every once in a while i get too big for my britches and think i can eat anything. when this happens, i pay the piper.

back to last night. about ten minutes after taking the second bite of crab cake, i felt that old familiar feeling in my stomach that only means one thing--get to the bathroom IMMEDIATELY! i smiled at my guests, excused myself and tried to make a graceful exit. once i got out of eyesight, i hauled ass to the bathroom and tried to give it hell. unfortunately, nothing happened. i wanted to write that old poem on the bathroom door that i see so often:

here i sit all broken hearted
tried to shit and only farted
dismayed, i returned to my seat and battled excruciating waves of stomach pain through dessert and coffee. after the check was paid and i got into my car, the real fun began. no sooner than two minutes after i pulled out of the parking lot, the shit i so desperately wanted to take in the restaurant reared its ugly head.

i broke out into a cold sweat. words cannot express how close i was to shitting my pants. i am NOT exaggerating. i happened to be on the phone with my friend steve at the time. bless his heart, he was trying to get a read on where i was and was throwing out suggestions as to where i could make the deposit. when he said "home depot" i nearly cried because i couldn't fathom walking through the parking lot and searching the huge building for the promised land.

when i began lamaze breathing and basically going into labor, i hung up on steve. right as i reached in the back seat of my car for an olive garden bag that i was going to pull over and take a dump in, i saw a wendy's. a glorious wendy's that saved my life--and probably the interior of my car. i'm not going to go into details here. if you saw dumb and dumber, it went something like that.

those of you who do not suffer from ibs are probably disgusted, but you don't know how bad things can get. sadly, this is not the worst episode tiddy has endured. before i knew i was allergic to miso soup, i got violently ill every time i ate japanese food. i was explaining that to mike oxsbig today and he said he gets sick when he has miso soup also! so let this be a warning to the readers of time you go for sushi, avoid the soup if you aren't going straight home after dinner. however, if you want to drop a few pounds for a special occasion, it might not be such a bad idea!

thank God this story had a happy ending. speaking of endings, it is almost the weekend ALREADY! promise i will blog tomorrow--i was too traumatized after i left wendy's to deal with internetting and i really wanted to tell this story properly.


Sunday, August 17, 2008

stoli and advil

sunday evenings are usually a little difficult for tiddy because i know in the back of my mind i will have to return to work tomorrow and all of the fun i had over the weekend is a distant memory. that is why i have made it a policy to enjoy every day of the summer as though it were a saturday. otherwise, you find yourself living for the weekends and wishing away five perfectly good days in between.

i just poured myself a glass of merlot out of the "bota box." the liquor store was out of "pinot evil" so i had to improvise and i just refuse to drink wine out of a bottle anymore. i am sitting on the porch overlooking the lake and watching my very hungover brother-in-law try to navigate his way through grilling a hamburger. although i have been there myself many, many times, i find it difficult to feel any remorse for him since he somehow managed to drink my ENTIRE HANDLE of stoli vodka last night. when i went to sleep around midnight, the bottle was three quarters full. when I woke up, there was about one and a half shots left. although i find myself marveling at the sheer mechanics of him being able to pull off such a feat, i am also left with an empty bottle of stoli. and that just breaks my heart.

judging from his wobbly gait and slow movements, it is obvious that this hangover has my brother-in-law by the short and curlies. if i were feeling generous of spirit toward him right now, i would recommend he take four advil… BRAND NECESSARY. i know that there are some people who believe generic ibuprofen does the job, but not tiddy. that is one of the only things i am a stickler about. in fact, in the wake of our dwindling economy, i have recommended to mister ferguson several times that we start buying the generic brands of some of our favorite products. toilet paper, detergent, mustard, pasta…even nacho’s dog bones! but not advil and not fabric softener. i have and always will use snuggle blue sparkle scent.

back to the hangover. over the years, i have heard several different methods from friends who swear up and down they have THE ANSWER to alleviating the headache, nausea and general malaise that usually accompanies an evening of drinking A HANDLE OF STOLI. my friend dj WOW likes to down an entire bottle of orange pedialyte, something he insists must be brand necessary. apparently, the drug store brand just doesn’t do the job. rohm ’08 claims that a "detox tea" and a vitamin water energy flavor does the trick for him. my brother likes to pour something called "goody’s headache powder" into a fountain soda and drink it. i’ve tried that one and it actually isn’t that bad!

for tiddy, four advil and a REGULAR coke—not diet—and i am on the road to recovery. i would love to hear all of your hangover cures—for personal use and to also share with my readers. email them to and i will devote another blog to this very important subject, as the hangover is something we will never fully understand.
thanks to my new friends eaton beaver and anita mandalay for sharing their beer and great music with us this weekend!

have a great week! please don’t feel sorry for my brother-in-law. everyone knows not to drink all of tiddy’s stoli, and he has learned his lesson. and remember, tomorrow is not monday, it is another glorious summer day for you to enjoy—so get out there and make the most of it. there aren’t too many left until we break out our cords and sweaters!


Thursday, August 14, 2008

no time to hate

Now the Star-bellied Sneetches had bellies with stars. The Plain-bellied Sneetches had none upon thars. The stars weren't so big; they were really quite small. You would think such a thing wouldn't matter at all. But because they had stars, all the Star-bellied Sneetches would brag, "We're the best kind of Sneetch on the beaches." --the sneetches by dr. seuss

not only is "the sneetches" one of my favorite books of all time, i think it is appropriate for what i am going to write about today. very rarely is tiddy serious, but something happened yesterday that really caused me to reflect and i would like to share it with you.

here at the ferguson household, we receive visits from mormon missionaries from time to time. yesterday, i was blogging on my couch and chilling with mr. nacho when i saw two young men walk up my sidewalk. nacho started going nuts! i was SO annoyed and ready to shoo the guys away (as usual) when something made me stop and listen to what they had to say.

i don't know a ton about the mormon religion, but what i do know is that the young men must take TWO YEARS out of their lives, travel around the country, and basically knock on doors and spread the word about the church of latter day saints. can you imagine that? it really makes me wonder how many doors are slammed in their faces, how many people cuss them out and how they can continue to get out of bed every day and keep on going.

not to get on a religious rant, but aside from really feeling empathy for these guys, i learned something yesterday. tiddy was raised presbyterian. mister ferguson is catholic. we've never had more than a one minute conversation about that because we know we share the same basic belief, no matter what name you call it.

anyway, back to the mormons. after patiently listening to what they had to say, i asked "what is the goal of your visit? is it to preach the word of God, or convert me to the mormon religion?" they said that it was to get me to read the book of mormon. i thought that was interesting and asked them why they felt what THEY believed was better than what i was raised to believe? who is right and who is wrong? is there an answer to that question? if i turned the tables on them and started preaching about the presbyterian religion, would they be open minded? they said no. so why would they expect me to be?

my point is this. no matter what church you belong to, no matter if you have a star on your tiny belly or an enormous gut with nothing on it, we're all just people trying to make it out here in this crazy world. and if i hadn't taken the time to talk with those guys yesterday, i would have screamed at them to get off of my porch and walked back inside thinking i was the best kind of sneetch. but i'm not. i'm just a girl that lives in pittsburgh who loves to laugh and drink and think that somewhere out there, somebody will read this and take something away from it.

Monday, August 11, 2008

taking care of tiddy

have you ever heard of the expression, “rode hard and put away wet?” that is what tiddy saw when she looked in the mirror this morning. all of the late nights filled with wine and song have finally caught up with me. as i looked into my bloodshot eyes, i made a promise to myself: this week will be devoted to taking care of tiddy.

and so it began with a 6 am wakeup, followed by a bowl of lucky charms and a cup of coffee (you have to crawl before you walk). mister ferguson and i have a grueling workout planned for this evening. P90X plyometrics! if you don’t know, you better ask somebody! i am also taking vitamins, drinking lots of water and have a spray tan and pedicure planned for later in the week. come friday, there will be a whole new sheriff in town!

i would like to apologize to my readers for not posting yesterday. tiddy ferguson is only human. i got drunk on saturday night and decided I needed a little “hair of the dog” to get me through the day yesterday. unfortunately, hair of the dog turned into a full blown rager and I had to go to bed early last night.

the weekend was a blast! mr. ferguson and i visited our new condo at seven springs and spent some time with rohm ’08, his brother and the adorable renzi family. thanks for the two buck chuck! i love it!

Thursday, August 7, 2008

tiddy in the city

tiddy woke up today with a song in her heart! i felt alive, in love and full of energy. unfortunately, that didn't last long. the song ended around the time i got into my car to leave for work, so i decided to drive through starbucks to keep the party going. i ordered a MEDIUM coffee (i refuse to speak their stupid language and say venti--this is america), drove up to the window and paid. right after i got my change back, i drove away without the coffee. i didn't realize this occurred until i was almost out of the parking lot. wwtfd (what would tiddy ferguson do), you ask? i drove straight to a-plus and got a big ass coffee. sometimes, i just don't know where my head is.

but tonight, tonight, tonight! i am so excited because i am going out on the town with my long time buddy dj WOW and his beautiful fiance tara nassup. now, i'm not saying tiddy ferguson doesn't have it going on. i don't think anyone can deny my VIP status at dream nails, little tokyo (best sushi in town) or the mt lebanon saloon. but when it comes to hanging out with pittsburgh glitterati such as dj WOW and miss nassup, hitting the city is a treat. i never pay a cover and once i got a coors light for FREE!

i just got an update from mister ferguson and he will be back from london on saturday afternoon! hopefully he brought me some tea and scrumpets!