Thursday, January 10, 2013

Work Smart

I flew on my company’s plane to a meeting yesterday. I write this for two reasons:

1. To shamelessly point out how glamorous my life is, and

2. I still can’t believe it myself and putting it in writing makes it seem more real to me.

Nothing makes you feel like a pimp like flying on a private plane. You drive right up on the tarmac and board. There’s no security, taking your shoes off, waiting in lines. You just walk right on, buckle your seat belt and it takes off. They don’t even tell you to turn off your electronic devices. The whole affair is totally gangster and makes you not want to fly commercial ever again.

This is not the first time I have flown on the plane, but the novelty still has not worn off. It’s not a Lear jet or anything, but every time I get on I feel a lot like P. Diddy. Since I am always flying with co-workers, I have to resist the urge to drape myself in obnoxious outfits and huge sunglasses to really maximize the experience. It is sooooooo hard, but I manage.

Since committing to this career as a professional geisha, I have really been working my beav off. Sometimes (not always), hard work is rewarded with more difficult, interesting work and if you’re like me, that’s the kind of shit that keeps you going. Getting up at 5:30 am to do emails and get organized for the day really sucks sometimes, but I’m starting to see the benefits. My boss, who I could write a ten page blog about and probably will one day, is a very supportive and colorful individual who definitely makes my work days exciting and fun. My favorite is when we hang up on a phone call and he reminds me to “shit it and get it.” I’m not sure how we found each other, but it is a work relationship made in heaven.

I have been a working girl for more than 14 years now and have had about 14 different jobs and five careers. All of this hustling has exposed me to crazy bosses, nutty coworkers, lifelong friends and hard lessons. Sometimes work can seem a lot like an episode of Survivor, and you need to be in it to win it.

1. Always be Yourself. This is such a trite little statement, but hear me out. I have a huge complex about not being taken seriously at work. This could be in my head or reality—I haven’t figured it out yet. I like to wear elaborate outfits and high, high heels and jewelry to work. I’m blonde and I laugh a lot. Lately I have been looking a lot like a character straight out of Dallas. Not exactly serious career woman material. However, I refuse to shrink myself to fit into that mold. I’m different and that’s a good thing. Pretending to be someone you’re not is exhausting. Plus, how are you going to stand out if you look and act like everyone else? Sometimes I feel like I have to work harder to prove myself, but at least I’m being myself.

2. Don’t be a Jealous Shrew. The lady who is always sniveling and whispering about people sleeping their way to the top is not who you want to be. Act genuinely happy about the success of others around you—even if it kills you. You’re not always going to be the shining star and you’re not always going to get what you want. Get over it. Constantly complaining and whining makes you look like a douche and also really minimizes your chance at being promoted into management.

3. Mind Your Own Business. Gossip is fantastic—until it is about you. If your co-workers want to grope each other or the lady from billing is eating people’s sandwiches, it’s not bothering you (unless it is your sandwich). Talking about people’s shortcomings can temporarily make you feel better about your own, but you don’t want people only hanging around you because you have the latest gossip.

4. Pay Attention. Pretend every person at work is wearing a sign around their neck that says, “Make me feel important.” Call people by their names, remember their kids’ names and be fascinated by the crossword puzzle competition they participated in last weekend. It doesn’t matter if it is the CEO of the company or the guy who fixes your computer, a little attention goes a long way. Plus, when your computer gets a virus because you tried to watch the Hulk Hogan sex tape online, you will want that computer guy to be discreet.

5. Have fun. At the end of the day, you spend a large portion of your life at work. You may as well find a way to enjoy it. Surround yourself with positive coworkers that make you laugh and don’t take things too seriously. This is a hard lesson to learn, and I am still getting there. Work is just work and if you hate your job, look for a new one.

When Mister Ferguson read my blog the other day and said, “Wow! Tiddy is really dark this year,” I suppose he had a point. I’m sure it has been apparent to all of you dear readers that my usually light hearted blog posts have been hijacked by some deep-thinking, self-help lady. What can I say? Sometimes you take a look at your life and realize things have to change. Writing to all of you is like therapy to me and I love all of the text messages, emails and phone calls I get from you to discuss your thoughts on subjects I write about.  If we don't know each other personally, you can email me here.

Before I sign off, I have to reveal a serious blog crush I have going on right now. I’m always looking for blogs to follow that make me laugh and this one literally kills me. I actually sent the writer a fan email and she responded, which made me feel like I was 12 years old and I was hearing from Donnie Wahlberg himself. Anyway, you should check out her blog called “Bitches Gotta Eat” here. I knew I was going to love it when I saw the heading –“Tacos. Hot dudes. Diarrhea. Jams.” Completely sums up my college years.

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