Thursday, March 26, 2009

"Weighting" on a Change

I’ve grown tired of obsessing over my weight. It’s been going on for 15 years and I’m exhausted. It occurred to me today that for as long as I can remember, not a day has gone by that my muffin top, second chin and rotten peaches (stores of fat on the underside of the arm) have not been at the top of my mind.

In fact, each day I get out of bed it is the first thing I think about. I pee, strip off all of my clothes (including any jewelry) and weigh myself. I record that weight into a little notebook, even though there is little to no movement. Every single day. Once a week, I get out a measuring tape and record the circumference of my waist, thighs and rotten peaches. Get a life, Tiddy!

The most hilarious part of my sad saga is that other than exercising, I do little to correct my lifestyle—hoping, instead, for a miracle. I do work out, but that is only part of the weight loss equation. What you don’t know is that I am a regular at the Sonic drive-through, Burger King and Arby’s. All of the running I have to do to train for the marathon makes me ravenous, and I never feel like I am satisfied. I eat breakfast and immediately start thinking about what I’m doing for lunch. I could eat a large pizza by myself and still have room for breadsticks. I’m a bottomless pit. It’s total bullshit. You think I started training for this marathon for fun? No. The only reason I did it is so that I would be totally hot by the time summer rolled around. There’s only a month left until the race and unless I start melting like a popsicle, I’m going to have to rework my plan.

According to my Women’s Health magazine, the first step is to create a food journal and write down everything you eat. I started mine yesterday. I ran into my weight loss partner-in-crime at a work meeting in the afternoon and showed it to her. She started reading it and busted out laughing. It was mostly normal stuff, but what caught her eye was the CADBURY CRÈME EGG. She found that amusing because she knows that every year around Easter, the eggs are Tiddy’s Kryptonite. I cannot go a day without eating one and it drives me crazy just knowing they are available for sale in the store.

I like the food journal because it is all there in black and white. I’m on day two and have only lied to myself twice. I like to use a pencil so I can make changes on the fly—changes that erase things that took place earlier in the day so I can free up my afternoon for CADBURY CRÈME EGGS!

I was bitching about my weight-loss woes to one of my doctors the other day and he told me to buy two supplements—Resveratrol and Soy Isoflavones. According to researchers at the University of Georgia, the two antioxidants mixed together reduced cells’ ability to store fat by 80% and caused fat cells to self-destruct at a rate 246% higher than normal--causing a natural, harmless form of fat-cell death. Upon hearing this, I ran out of his office like a bat out of hell and high-tailed it straight to GNC, where I purchased the supplements and gulped them down in the parking lot. I’ve been on them for about five days now, and I could really tell something was happening at first. Yesterday, however, old lady period rolled into town masking all progress, so I will have to get back to you on the results later.

Another tip I received from the good doctor was to purchase “Full Bars.” These are nutrition supplement bars that you eat twice a day—before lunch and dinner. The idea is that when ingested with 8 ounces of water, the ingredients are supposed to mimic the effects of gastric bypass surgery, causing you to feel full and eat less of your regular meal. The only caveat is that the bars contain 180 calories each, so you better hope it fills you up before you dive into dinner!

I bought a few of them and I must say, they did make me feel a little more satisfied than usual. I have found that it is a good mid-morning snack for me. Lunch is when I am on my worst behavior, so I need all of the help I can get.

According to the BMI (body mass index) scale, I am at a normal weight. Not obese, not underweight, just normal. However, according to the TMI (Tiddy mass index) scale, I am not at goal weight. Not even close. Whoever said you need to eat lose to lose weight was full of shit. Okay, maybe you need to eat the RIGHT things to lose weight!

Will there ever come a day when I don’t think about my weight? Why am I so hard on myself? Even when I’m at my goal, I’m worried about maintaining it. I guess the answer is that I need to start following some sort of lifestyle and stop eating cheeseburgers whenever I damn well please. I’ll keep you posted on what I come up with. In the meantime, I welcome any sort of tips and suggestions you may have for me!

Also, I really appreciate all of the song suggestions you guys have sent to me, and please keep them coming! I need so many more songs. Lacey Underalls informed me today that one of my readers is running a marathon REALLY soon, so I will post my entire playlist tomorrow.


Three Sassy Sisters said...

Maybe it's your mother's fault for modeling this behavior for your entire life.
Love ya,
your mom,

Anonymous said...

Rotten Peaches--I remember that from ML--high school. He's a hot mess, but was very funny.
Love Always,
Philly Ferguson
p.s. thanks for the dog comment :)

Anonymous said...

are those diet supplements working?!?! im debating on making the purchase myself.